It's time to come clean.

It was me.

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I did it.

Rhea Seehorn recently posted this to Instagram. She kindly says that “someone accidentally spilled wine all over me” without saying the person who actually did it. That is so nice of her, but I cannot live with the guilt any more. It was me. I did it. I confess. I doused Rhea with Red Wine at The Gotham Awards.

It wasn’t on purpose! I wasn’t doing that thing that you see in old movies and TV shows where the gross man makes a pass at a nice lady and she tosses a drink in his face.

The wine was spilled, not tossed. It was an accident, but one that I do feel that only I could pull off. I have a special skill at doing idiotic things. One might say I have gotten my 10,000 hours in being a complete and total nincompoop and have now mastered it as an art form.

It started like this, I was a guest star on the incredible series “Pluribus” starring the one and only Rhea Seehorn. Have you seen it? Yeah, I know you have. Everyone has seen Pluribus - it’s incredible.

Rhea is the inarguable star of the show. She is in practically every frame of a series that shoots on a global scale. She is magnificent and has been deservedly picking up awards for her work on the show. She won a SAG Award and a Golden Globe and will no doubt win an Emmy in a few weeks.

The show was also nominated for a Gotham Award. I did not attend the SAG Awards or the Golden Globe awards, but I did attend the Gotham awards. You see, unlike the Globes and the SAG Awards, the Gotham Awards are held in Gotham - aka New York City, which happens to be the city where I reside. Apple TV, the network that Pluribus is on, invited me to the ceremony to sit at the Pluribus table since the show had been nominated for “Best Breakthrough Drama Series”. I said yes to the invitation because, what? I’m gonna turn down a free dinner?

I needed to wear something so I went to my closet and chose the blue suit I got from Nordstrom Rack when I was in San Antonio, TX for the San Antonio Book Festival. It was only $109! A Ted Baker suit for $109! And not only was it priced beautifully - IT FIT! I am tall. Nothing ever fits. Nothing. If I find a suit, the pants may fit if they’ve never been hemmed, but the jacket? Forget about it. It never fits. Except for this very cute suit at Nordstrom Rack that only cost me $109! This has nothing to do with the story. I guess I just want to tell you about this great deal I found. It’s strange how finding this suit felt like I accomplished something.

When I arrived, I realized that the Gotham Awards are more of an event that one hires a stylist to dress them for. Let’s just say that no one else on the carpet was bragging that they got their entire outfit for less than it would cost for a dinner for two at Outback Steakhouse.

I walked in to the beautiful room and immediately felt like an outsider. This is normal though. I’m always an outsider at Hollywood events. When I checked in, the lady asked my name.

“Jeff Hiller” I said,

“The M’s are over there” she said and pointed to a different area to check in.

“No, Hiller with an H, not Miller with an M.” I said.

“Oh. You’re at an Apple table, number 23.” She gave me a card.

An “Apple Table” is not a table with a nice ass. It’s just a table where people from Apple TV+ sit.

I was the first actor to arrive. Not just the first actor from “Pluribus”, the first actor at all. If you tell me to be somewhere at 6:30, I will be there at 6:30. It’s my thing and apparently ONLY my thing. Consequently, I got through the press line quickly and went to the cocktail reception where I waited around for an hour in my $109 suit (again, not really the point, but WHAT A DEAL!).

Thankfully, other cast members from the show started to arrive. I only met Rhea while shooting because she was the only other actor in my scene. I did briefly shake hands with Karolina Wydra on set, but I met Samba Schutte and Carlos Manuel Vesga at The Gothams and I re-introduced myself to Miriam Shor who I had met doing a show at Symphony Space in New York City. They were lovely. We sat at table number 23. An Apple table with a really nice ass.

I was sitting next to some marketing people for Apple. They were nice enough, but very much glued to their phones. I couldn’t exactly hear what everyone else was talking about at the table, so I just turned and watched the show. Michelle Pfeiffer was there! Claire Danes! Kerry Washington! Fifty Cent… that one was especially surprising which made it all the more exciting!

The categories rolled on. People won awards. They made sweet speeches. I watched them. I ate my free food. I wasn’t nervous, because I knew that even if our category won, I wouldn’t have to talk. We had been told that Rhea would make a speech. She held up a piece of paper at the table. “I wrote names down so I don’t forget anyone!” She said sweetly.

Finally, our award came up - “Best Breakthrough Drama”. Just as Laurie Metcalf and Christopher Abbot began to announce the nominees, someone across the table asked if I would pass the dessert plate filled with cookies. I guess a little sweetness would cut the nerves. It’s so rare that Hollywood people eat sugar, that I really felt the need to support this wish.

I passed the plate, they took a cookie, and I went to set the plate back down on the table where there was space, but as I did, I knocked over the little silver holder that said, “Table 23”. It wobbled in slow motion, and then hit the little silver holder that had the Apple logo on it. The Apple logo hit a center piece, bounced backward and hit a large glass of red wine. Oh! This Rube Goldberg horror show! And the wine glass! A glass so full of the reddest wine, that its liquid rested in a meniscus on the brim of the glass!

The glass fell over and the wine shot out with such force and landed squarely on the FACE of one of television’s greatest actresses - Rhea Seehorn. It landed. On. HER FACE! But there was so much wine that it also ran down her neck, and pooled and puddled in the lap of her SILK gown.

I willed myself to be the opposite of Jesus and turn the wine into water, but there were no miracles that night.

The women around Rhea immediately sprang into action dabbing her with napkins and wet wipes. It would have been moving to see such an act of support if I were not screaming the screams of 1000 horror shows in my brain at that moment. As they dabbed, a producer tapped me to say, “Hey, your scene is the one they’re showing for the clip!”

“Dear God,” I prayed, “Please take me away now. Or light this building on fire to distract from the most horrific situation of my not-young life.”

I leaned over to apologize some more, but was interrupted by Christopher Abbot and Laurie Metcalf saying, “And the Gotham award goes to… Pluribus”.

Ya’ll. They called the name of the show LESS THAN 30 SECONDS AFTER THE WINE WAS SPILLED. I have often been told I have good timing, but it is a double edged sword.

Rhea just gamely said, “Okay!” and then she stood and a puddle of red wine fell from her dress as if her water had just broken.

“We’re all going up you guys, come on!” Rhea said. She is such an incredible leader. Like a general in a war. She even had the blood splatter.

And so, less than ONE MINUTE after I re-enacted the iconic scene from “Carrie”, I walked with Rhea and the entire cast of “Pluribus” up to a stage and stood in the background as Rhea accepted the award for best new drama. I mean, talk about drama.

Once we got up on stage, she said, “We all got so excited they spilled their wine on me” which was a very nice thing to say instead of, “This idiot Jeff Hiller just assaulted me with liquor!”. To be clear, it was not my wine. I was drinking white wine because I didn’t want to stain my $109 suit.

Rhea fiddled with the piece of paper that held her speech. It was illegible. Soaked and tattered by what seemed to be several gallons of Malbec. Somehow, she made the speech anyway. She thanked the people that deserved thanks. We walked off stage and she said, “You guys! Our show won! Congratulations!”

We went backstage to take a photo and Miriam and Karolina found a way to hide the stain behind the actual award. Again, teamwork that would have been beautiful to witness if I weren’t planning a way to punish myself in an intense and unusual manner at the moment.

Miraculously, I texted Rhea the next day to apologize and she was kind about it. Laughed about it even. She deserves awards for THIS as well her incredible acting. Her kindness quelled some fears, until a friend of mine said something that still chills me to the bone even as I type.

“Oh wow.” My fashion obsessed friend said when I told him the story. “She was wearing Valentino Maison”.

I do not know how much the dress she was wearing costs, but I am willing to wager big money it is more than $109.

“It’s okay” my friend tried to console me, “I’m sure sure her stylist has insurance”.

So, let me come clean about making Rhea dirty. I did it. I spilled the wine. I have found situations to humiliate and shock myself for my entire life, but I keep finding ways to outdo and top myself because I keep showing up and doing the work. I hope this gives you hope that you too may one day humiliate yourself and others in new and impressive ways.

If you are an Emmy voter, please vote for Rhea Seehorn. She is not only an incredible artist and actor, but she rolls with the punches. And if you are Rhea Seehorn and you are reading this… I promise to stay 50 feet away from you at The Emmy’s.

Maybe 100 if I have liquids in my hand.